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why bother


so we live in this small town in Wisconsin. we live with my good friend and she had been awesome. we can't make ends meet because we don't have enough income. I am applying for disability and it takes time but I'm the mean time we are losing everything....Home, car, dog, phones....what's next? I can't even say I have my health. my hips are so bad that they hurt with or without activity. I am not sure if I can take much more of this. my kids are happy for now. I guess that is one thing.

at the doctor again

so here I sit with another appointment to tell me nothing is wrong. I am really tired of keeping these appointments.

 

Happy birthday to me!


it's my birthday and I am at the doctor's office for x rays on my hips. it sucks. I have been on pain all night. hopefully they will find something because I can't take it anymore.

 

my morning bratwurst


I am on the phone with Virginia unemployment trying to get my unemployment information. it seems they finally made a decision four months later and ate going top five me some money for thirteen weeks. I heard me up two bratwurst left over from Jon,'s party yesterday. I can't believe he and his sister are getting so much older. I miss my little babies.

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Welcome back

I probably dont have anyone reading this thing anymore but I thought I could use it to vent out some stuff.

I am probably going to be dead by the end of the week. I have severe pain in my hip and my pain meds suck. My husband is making me nuts and I want to kill him. We live with my friend Sandy and she is a control freak. My dad died last year and I wish he were here or I was with him.

That is all nothing else.

Picture this if you can

I am in the living room watching "Dancing with the Stars" , and its the finale show to see who wins. Here in Japan it is the day before thanksgiving so I have the turkey on the counter to finish defrosting since it hasnt done it in the refrigerator. All of a sudden, my daughter Jasmine comes into the living room, dragging the turkey. She is wearing her pretend barbie princess heels and nothing else.

Princess heels + Naked + dragging a 15 lb turkey = Mommy laughing too much to get mad.

So I tell her to take it back in to the kitchen and put it back. So she puts it back alright. I get up to look for it and cant find it. She had taken everything out of the bottom of the fridge and put the turkey in and put everything back in. I couldnt see the turkey without moving everything. It took me an hour to find it.


Still laughing too much to be mad and she is already asleep.

medical who haaaa

I have lost sensation in my big toes about 50%. It means that they are always half asleep. I have excrutiating pain in my left heel. I have to walk on my toes on that foot which probably isnt a good idea. My hip has shooting pains on the left side. When I sit to use the bathroom, by the count of 7, I am crying in pain.

I started school yesterday. Was the first person to access the virtual classroom. I am sure that the teacher is thinking - GGGGEEEEEZZZZZUUUUSSSSSS. I commented the hell out of everything.

Anyway - been sleeping till noon on the couch while my 4 year old sees to the needs of her and her brother. She gets them food and drinks. I taught her how to open a soda with a butter knife. I taught her how to cut open chips with safety scissors.

This is the epitomy of being a bad mommy.
How I Write

When I sit down in front of a blank page, my head begins to compile phrases which explain the chaos in my head that is my imagination. If I am not given a specific topic to write about, I am able to spew words on the paper as if they were uncontrolled outbursts in a room full of people who are not listening. I love to write and usually my writing is of a fantasy nature due to the fact that my life has been less than fantastical and more like that of a life not lived.
Without going into too much detail, my childhood was dark and I am finding that I am not alone in this discovery of powerful journaling. When I was younger, I heard about out of body experiences and a book that Shirley McClain wrote detailing her beliefs in those experiences. I never read her book because I am not sure that you can actually leave your body. However, I am sure that your mind can be distracted to another place completely through the power of fantastical journaling.
I have taken my journaling with me many places to become even more inspired by nature. I have enjoyed the mountains while lying under a beautiful, fluffy cloud-filled sky, the beach with its lullaby of waves, the desert where everything has adapted to the sun, and have completed some of the best pieces of writing to ever arise from the ashes of my imagination.
If given a specific topic to address, my writing takes a different approach as does the chaos of my brain. My mind jumps to attention and begins to formulate how I wish to respond to the topic at hand. I am a born debater and enjoy a structured, non-confrontational discussion where two individuals express two different sides of an issue. I always subscribe to the sentiment of agreeing to disagree when it comes to someone who does not see things the same way that I do. Catch me in a bad mood however, and I become the exact opposite of what the other person believes just to be the one who covers the con side of an issue. I enjoy using words to spark thought with the person before me who has never considered a different side to the issue.
All in all, I am still a respectful debater and respectful writer who use writing as a descriptor and use the opportunity to share myself in words. You will always see my personality in my writing unless it is a format that subjectivity is not needed. I can definitely say that most people do not really know me unless they have taken time to read my journal. I can be honest when writing unlike I am when speaking. When writing, I process things completely and begin the journey of continuing to a better place. Writing allows me to organize my head, imagination, and thoughts in a way that makes me feel sane. It is a valuable thing to feel sane.
Everyone is praising the election of Obama. I do agree it is a historical landmark in our time for he being elected the first black president. It was soon to happen and for that I believe we have done a good thing.

However - and its a big however - I am a really good judge of people and bullshit coming out of their mouths - almost psychic even. I have no facts to support what I feel about Obama but I get the feeling that all those promises he made on the campaign trail are bogus.

There is an air about him that leads me to think he is a "parent pleaser". You know, one of those guys who make the parent think that this is a responsible young man dating their daughter and then when they leave the house, the clothes change and all hell breaks loose. I get the feeling that he is turning his back after saying all those good things and going "Did that sound good? Do you think they believed that one?"

I noticed several things that he misspoke in his campaign and I wont go into it now. If you ask my sister, I am a professional debater. In other words, I can take either side of an argument and fluster the person so badly it is actually funny. I enjoy antagonizing someone when I am in a bad mood. I completely made this lady leave a nail salon once because she was all "feminist rules" and I started to debate with her about how she was naive to think that women can do anything a man can. Now any of you know that i am a firm believer in equal rights, equal pay. So it was a side I didnt believe in. If I had to chance to talk to Obama, I am sure that he would be flustered because it is something that I would be pro about.

Anyway - I am really nervous about the state of our union. I am not even sure McCain was the answer either. I didnt vote because I couldnt decide who to vote for. Both of them seemed to be the worst choices to me.

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